Number Fourteen

I received a request to blog! Granted the request was from my own mother... but hey, it was still a request.
I haven't blogged in a couple months. Not because nothing has been happening in my life, but because so much has been happening. God has called me out of my comfort zone countless times over the past few months and I have learned so many things. I have been broken down and emptied and felt so lonely... only to be picked up again by God and filled. I have come to welcome trials because they give me no choice but to turn to God and cry out to Him. And honestly, being broken in front of God is a thousand times better than being content without Him.
But more on that later. I will post about what I experienced this summer after I have the time to process it for myself and record it in my own journal. I want to remember everything, and everybody, that happened to me this summer and I want to share it all with you. And I will! But not today.
Right now, I just want to share part of a poem that I am reading. I am taking a class called American Literature this semester (I am sure everyone thinks that sounds disgusting but I love it) and we had to read a couple poems by Anne Bradstreet. I have never been a huge fan of poetry but after studying it more, I am finding that I really like some of it. Bradstreet's poem "The Flesh and the Spirit" touched my heart. You all should find the whole poem on the internet somewhere and read it for yourselves. I am going to share my favorite part:

My garments are not silk nor gold
Nor such like trash which earth doth hold,
But royal robes I shall have on
More glorious than the glist'ring sun.
My crown not diamonds, pearls, and gold,
But such as angels' heads infold.
The City where I hope to dwell
There's none on earth can parallel;
The stately walls both high and strong
Are made of precious jasper stone;
The gates of pearl both rich and clear;
And angels are for porters there;
The streets thereof transparent gold,
Such as no eye did e'er behold;
A crystal river there doth run,
Which doth proceed from the Lamb's throne;
Of life tehre are the waters sure,
Which shall remain forever purel
Nor sun nor moon have they no need,
For glory doth from God proceed;
Nor candle there, nor yet torchlight,
For there shall be no darksome night.
From sickness and infirmity
For evermore they shall be free,
Nor withering age shall e'er come there,
But beauty shall be bright and clear.
The City pure is not for thee,
For things unclean there shall not be.
If I of heaven may have my fill,
Take thou the world, and all that will.

Yeah. Amazing, right?

Number Thirteen

At the risk of sounding cliche... where did the time go? Was it really 9 months ago that I was moving in to my dorm room, with butterflies in my stomach? Was it really 9 months ago that I didn't know anybody here and wasn't sure where I would find my place? It seems like yesterday. I can remember those feelings so well. But even though I can remember all of the emotions and thoughts, I have experienced so much growth in these 9 months. I have learned to be comfortable with myself and to seek time to be by myself and contemplate what is going on in my life. I have learned to ask others for help when I am struggling and to find people to keep me accountable. I have learned how to really prioritize... and I have reconsidered what should be at the top of that priority list. I have learned that so many opportunities will arise in my life but not all of them are for me. I have learned to chase my dreams and follow my heart, because that will most often lead to good things.

So before I start packing up my room, I want to say some things to the people who have filled my year, chapter 1 of my college years, with good memories and laughs. You guys have taught me so much. I had no idea that I would meet people that I know will be in my life for the rest of my life so soon, but the friendships I have made amaze me everyday. I know now the true meaning of best friends because I have had such good examples here. I've watched a lot of movies, eaten a lot of fast food, stayed up way too late too many times, and been silly with you guys and have loved every second of it. But it's more than that. That stuff is the easy stuff, the fun stuff. You know you have true friends when they talk to you about the hard stuff. When someone cares about you enough to express concerns or give advice, you know its a bond that goes deeper than the average friendship. God has blessed me with people who have done this for me, and I hope that I have done that for them.

I am ready for classes to be done and I am ready to relax by the pool in the sun... but I don't feel ready to leave. I will miss my friends. Oddly, I will miss my dorm room. I will miss seeing all of the people who have helped shape who I am becoming. I am ready for summer, but I will miss you all!
I love you!

Number Twelve

Mission trips. You cannot come back from a mission trip without feeling change, refreshed, recharged, renewed. There is something about experiencing a new town or a new culture that opens your eyes to new side and aspects of God that you may never have noticed. After getting used to a routine in a familiar place, we sometimes hit a rut and feel like we have nowhere to go and no growing to do. We feel like we have learned all the lessons and gotten everything we were meant to get out of our situation. Then, we go on a mission trip, and God uses the new experiences and situation to teach us lessons that our eyes were just not open to. I just came home to Bolivar after spending 9 days in Baja, Mexico with a group from SBU. I did not have any idea what God would teach me... I was in a rut at school and did not even know that I had something to learn. But God started teaching me things and opening my heart as soon as we got to Mexico. Our group stayed at an orphanage called Door of Faith, in La Mision. We stayed in dorms on the orphanage's campus. In the mornings, we did service projects, like painting and weeding. In the afternoons, we went down to the playground and played with the kids. Our meals were brought to us by the pastor's wife. We went to the local church on Sunday morning and on Thursday night. We got to go to Rosarito on Friday to shop at the market and I watched some of my team mates play soccer against the orphanage's team, who are amazing. It is easy to say that, by the end of the week, I was in love with the kids. Their passion for life and their eagerness to connect with people and be loved, despite their hard family situations, amazed me. Though I was cautious and nervous the first time we went down to play with them, they crawled into my heart quicker than I ever imagined. I realized that the kids were just like every other kid in America. They just want to be loved and played with and receive attention. Even though they live at an orphanage, they still need the things that any other child needs, and I was so blessed to be a part of their lives for a week. Some things I learned over the week and things that I am still learning now that I am back and thinking about the trip: 1. If I had had an easy time on the trip, doing things that I was comfortable doing and talking to people that I could communicate easily with, I might have brought the glory on myself. I would be thinking, "Wow, look at all the cool stuff I did!" But instead, I know that the things I, and my team, accomplished are all because of God and His glory. I cannot take credit for anything that happened last week. It was ALL God. 2. My eyes were opened to the idea that when God leads me somewhere, He has a plan. I have to stop questioning and being afraid because God's plan is better than anything I could come up with on my own. Although at some points during the trip I missed my family, friends, and boyfriend a lot, I know that God wanted me in Baja over Spring Break. He taught me so many things and changed my heart in ways that would probably not have happened if I had stayed home for the break. 3. Life is all about oneness with God. No matter what we do or where we go or who we talk to, our purpose is to love others and share Christ's love. Whether that be in a foreign country or in a classroom in the States, oneness with God is shown through our love and compassion for others. Now that we are back, I am wondering, "What do I do now?" There are no kids to love on and I am not doing physical service projects every day. I am not doing anything that I can see immediate results from. However, I am filled with so much of God's purpose and His love that I realize that every day I can do something to bring glory to Him. And that's what I'm focusing on. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. Psalm 34:3

Number Eleven

Humbled: to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; to make meek.

I've never fully understood the word humble or the way people use it. People say they are humbled when they receive an award or honor. They feel humbled when they go to a place that is obviously full of less priveleged people. I feel as if we throw around the word "humble" even when it doesn't apply. I don't think I have ever felt humbled... until recently.
I think in the back of my head, I have always felt like I am a good person. I thought that I wouldn't make any mistakes or do anything wrong. I get along with my family, I do well in school, I don't break any laws... I stay under the radar for the most part. Maybe my ego or pride in my good-ness was getting too big. Maybe I was so pleased with myself that I forgot why I need a Savior. I forgot that I sin, I have temptations, I am human. I thought that since I've done pretty well so far, I probably didn't need help. And then God decided to show me how wrong I was. It amazes me that He can show you how fragile and weak you are without leaving your side. I realized that I will never be able to earn my salvation. I am just not good enough and there is no use pretending like I'm not in desperate need for a Savior. I can do good things and try to be the best person that I can be. I can pray and love God and bring Him glory. I can serve people. But I also sin. I cannot be perfect. I will make mistakes and I probably will fall down a lot in my walk with God. I will probably get distracted and discouraged. But... that's where I need for Jesus comes in. He makes it possible for me to be forgiven and allows me to come to God.
So that is what I have been learning lately. God knocked me down and opened my eyes to my flaws and shortcomings. And I was terrified... until He picked me up, brushed me off, and pointed my gaze at Jesus. Then I will filled with awe and moved one step closer to grasping the meaning of Jesus' sacrifice. God has an amazing way of showing us that we are loved enough that He sent Jesus so that we wouldn't be separated from Him forever when we let our human side take over and we sin. Thank you, God!
Can we go old school and think about the first verse that we ever learn?
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16
So simple. But we forget so often.

Number Ten

I am about to make some of you (mainly one of my best friends, Meg) sick. But I am willing to accept the consequences because, hey, its a week from Valentine's Day and I am feeling the love. I know some people despise this holiday and say it is a holiday manufactured by card companies. I don't think thats a wrong statement. But come on. A holiday in the middle of the dreariest time of the year? A holiday that results in boxes of candy, stuffed animals, flowers, or jewelry? (By the way, any of those options are acceptable to me, boyfriend.) A holiday that is represented by pink and red? Yes, please. Anyway, I am really wanting to blog about love. Not just romantic love, but about loving my friends, loving God, and loving when its hard to love. Honestly, sometimes it is really hard for me to love and to trust. When its hard to trust, its hard to love. But it's also a vicious cycle... because when you love someone a lot and you get hurt, its hard to trust. So it seems like there is two options: 1. Love and trust and expose yourself to potential pain or 2. Avoid potential pain and do not trust or love. I've gone through both scenarios... with the same person. I loved them. They hurt me. I decided to stop loving them, stop talking to them, stop giving them the opportunity to hurt me. Do you want to know how long that lasted? A week, at the most. After that, I realized that I still loved them and I wanted to love them. I didn't want to be miserable and I wanted to stop making them miserable too. So I forgave, I trusted again, I loved again. And even though I know that I am opening up myself to more hurt... it's worth it. It's so worth it. The love that I get from that person is love that I would never be able to get from anyone else.
It's an everyday process. Everyday I have to decide to trust and love. Everyday I feel a little bit of fear that I may be hurt because I am still recovering from the pain I have felt before. But everyday, I feel a little bit better. I am exposed to more and more people that prove to me that love exists. Real love. True love.

Number Nine

Oh, blog, how I've missed you. You would think that over my five week Christmas break I would have found time to blog. However, it seems like when you have the least amount of things to do, you suddenly become too busy to do anything productive. My break was full of hanging out with my friends, bonding with my family, doing a little bit of working, and just recovering from the first semester of college life. And now here I am. Back at school. The beginning of my second semester. I've only been back for a week, but it feels like I never even left. Granted, I have a whole new schedule and a new roomie (I love both of these new things, by the way!).
This year has already brought so many new things into my life. Besides the newness of this semester, I have started a new rountine for myself. I found a Bible reading plan that will take my through the Bible in a year. I have read Genesis, Job, 2 Peter, and Galatians. I've also read various Psalms and am now getting into Matthew. Most of the things I have read so far were already familiar to me, but some of the things were new. I had never read through the entire book of Job before. And let me tell you, it was not an uplifting thing. I spent 15 days reading a couple chapters of Job a day. Job went through a lot of trials and was confused about why God wasn't answering his cries and was unsure how to find God and the answers that he needed. Though the trials in my own life have not been great, I can relate to Job's thinking. Sometimes, when I feel like the world is full of trials and hard situations, I wonder why God allows these things to happen. I know that God has a plan and that He has a purpose for everything, but sometimes, when you are in the middle of a trial, it is hard to see past the hurt and pain. When my parents were getting divorced, the last thing I wanted to hear was that God had a plan and that I should trust Him. All I was thinking was, "God, why does this have to be in your plan? Can't you accomplish your will in another way?" When I hear that friends or family members are sick, it is hard to grasp that there is a purpose in their pain. But it's true. God has a plan. In the middle of a trial, nothing seems to make sense. It is easy to feel like you are drowning in confusion and doubt. In those cases, maybe the only logical thing to do is to cling to what you know. Cling to the knowledge that God doesn't abandon you and that He does have a plan, even if it is not in accord with our own plans. Remember what Proberbs 19:21 says? Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Cling to that knowledge.
A verse that I ran across when I was doing a Bible overview plan at the end of 2010 struck my heart and made trials seem a litle easier to bear. Even though sometimes it may seem like God has turned His back and left us to fend for ourselves, He doesn't. See:
"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39